Are you the kind of person who is never satisfied? Always and forever seeking something better, something more beautiful, insisting on the 100% perfect end result from head to toe, hm? Pretty exhausting isn’t it? What if I told you there is a way out of this never ending cycle?
These following words are not perfect at all. But I’ll try my best (by accepting my own flaws while writing these lines) to help you have the courage to be imperfect and just be who you are. I am so excited for you, because this is going to be so liberating for you sexually.
How many times have you reached the point of perfection?
Ask yourself: How many times?
Most probably very seldom, or never.
I hate to break it to you, but in my opinion the perfect state will never exist. And I am sure you know that. But you may try to reach 100% perfection again and again anyway, am I right?
And when you perceive the end result as not being 100%, you may feel stuck and disappointed with yourself, and have a feeling of not being good enough.
The seeking for sexual perfection is deeply imprinted in our DNA
Sexually, this is huge! We want to be perceived as perfect lovers while making love. The seeking for sexual perfection is deeply imprinted in our DNA. Almost everybody seeks for perfect sex (even if it’s just a tiny bit). It’s like an never-ending pilgrimage towards the holy grail of sensuality.
The image (or mirage) of perfect sex is created by the media, our family upbringing, our trial-and-error experiences and our own perceptions:
In a perfect dream world we all have perfect bodies, firm, sexy and ideally photoshopped into flawlessness. Pussies are shaped in a certain way. Breasts and asses only come in rounded forms. Cocks are endlessly performing, enduring and superbly long and thick. Orgasms are deep, neverending, and ideally multiple.
In a perfect world we have found our so called twin-flame, who, of course, has heavenly lover skills. He/she takes us to the most delicious mind-blowing ecstasy, and without having to say a word knows exactly what our body needs. With his/her tremendously good-looking, firm body he/she holds us tight as long as we need them to.
Reality check: What if in real life we don’t fulfill this perfect and almost sterile image of sex (which is in 100% of cases, by the way)?
We feel ashamed.
We feel worthless.
We feel unworthy of love.
We end up being unsatisfied and ashamed in every cell of our sensual being, and instead of letting go of this stupid perfect sex image (because it doesn’t serve us well), we let go of our sensual being. We let it dry out and eventually die.
I have spoken to many women who haven’t had sex in years because they felt ashamed. Many men too.
Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism
Where perfectionsim exists, shame is always lurking. ~ Brene Brown
Ms Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” (Source)
And our perfectionsim will intensify those feelings.
In other words, below the surface of the unhealthy seeking for the 100% perfect, sits the rotten root of shame which doesn’t allow us to be imperfect. As an result it destroys our vital libido, our drive and creativity and our sexual energy.
I remember myself when I started to shoot my first videos for the Goddess Sanctuary a year ago, I was so afraid to manifest bad quality. I was so ashamed of seeing myself stumbling and sweating in the first cuts. I believed I would never be good enough in front of the camera.
And my lame excuse for it was, “I want the videos to be perfect.” But honestly that desire will never be satisfied.
I realised that if my perfectionism and shame stopped me from producing those videos, I wouldn’t be able to make the impact I am having today on many woman around the globe. I made a choice back then, I made a choice to put myself out there (yes, with shame and as a perfectionism maniac), but I don’t listen to those voices anymore. I let my vision decide and do what’s best for my vision, instead of what’s best for my shame and perfectionsim.
There is always something that will prevent you from reaching the 100%. I mean, do give your best. Do give everything you’ve got. And by knowing you are doing that, allow yourself the flaws that make you, you, unique and special.
Sex for you, me, anyone is not holy, not clean, not perfect, it’s beautifully messy
Sex is such an imperfect act in itself, that when we focus on the unattainable goal, perfection, we can never enjoy the beauty of this mess.
But how to enjoy and allow the imperfect, the unholy, the unclean?
We need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to the universal experiences of shame, judgment, and blame; develop shame resilience; and practice self-compassion.
When we become more loving and compassionate with ourselves and we begin to practice shame resilience, we can embrace our imperfections.
It is in the process of embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts and strengthen our most meaningful connections.
Honestly, I can’t say it better. All I know is…
Have the courage to say ‘Yes’ to the imperfect
Say yes to your imperfect body.
Say yes to your unique breasts, pussy or cock.
Say yes to your half-way-there orgasms.
Say yes to your lover’s mistakes, to your lover’s flaws, to your lover’s ignorance.
Say yes to your realness.
Say yes to your authenticity.
Say yes to your desires.
Say yes to your sensual being that also enjoys dark fantasies.
Say yes to anything you create even if it’s not perfect.
Simply, say yes to the imperfect.